Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"