fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
