My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Less talking, more tequila
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
