I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
