Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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