I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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