If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
