I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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