hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
