May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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