dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
