Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
