dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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