god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.