why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
