At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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