Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
