Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Is it because I queefed?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
