You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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