Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.