I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it