He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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