Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
