I got chris browned last night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
