He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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