I wish life had little blips of pornography
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
