Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
