Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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