just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
