with your own penis?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
