she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
