I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
