my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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