I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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