Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
