While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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