your room smells of hookers.
And success
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
