I'm jealous of your bromance
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
