there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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