When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
