he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
