Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
