More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
