A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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