How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am puke
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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