Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
