New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
