just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
