college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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