i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
