The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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