It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
