I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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