I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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